Darts Glow
Darts Glow
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 Drennan Glow Tip Antenna Waggler Floats  US $3.15
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 Leland Trout Magnet 1 64 oz 9 piece pack sz8 hooks lure Color Glow in the Dark US $3.94
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 100 SHAD DART JIG HEADS 1 32 oz Assorted Colours US $19.60
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 BUCKTAIL JIGS PURE TIN LEAD FREE 1 4 oz 6 GLOW HEADS 5 0 hook US $12.00
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 100 SHAD DART JIG HEADS 1 4 oz Assorted Colours US $19.60
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 BUCKTAIL JIGS PURE TIN LEAD FREE 1 4 oz 6 GLOW HEADS US $10.50
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 Ice Fishing Icefish Jigs Lures MUSTAD© Hooks NEW 4 LE$$ US $1.99
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 Northland Water Dart n Doodle Bug Lazer Sharp Fish Hooks MIP US $4.95
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 RAPALA JIGGING RAP 2 GLOW RED TIGER FISHING LURE US $8.00
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 100 SHAD DART JIG HEADS 1 8 oz Assorted Colours US $19.60
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 Imakatsu Minnow Wind Killer Bill 222 Glow Crystal US $22.00
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 Makaira Pulling Lures Medusa US $49.00
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 Cotswold Baits Technipops 14mm Dairy Cream Flavoured Pop ups US $3.62
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 Eye Level Milano Aviator Sunglasses US $23.85
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 Sonu Fin Perfect Expanders 16 mm US $3.78
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 Swedish Pimples Ice Fishing Jig in winter cast or troll spring thru fall US $3.89
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 BUCKTAIL JIGS PURE TIN LEAD FREE 1 8 oz 6 GLOW HEADS US $10.00
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 ET ET Big Game Barrel Swivel 2 0 US $3.56
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 Gardner Original PVA String US $5.30
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 Salmo Chubby Darter 5 CD5 SRO Silver Red Orange 2 3 8 oz Sinking GLOWS Ice Fish US $7.09
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 Megabass LATES Kawa Suzuki SP NC GLOW BACK KILLER US $27.89
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 RAPALA JIGGING RAP 2 GOLD FLUORESCENT RED FISHING LURE US $8.00
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 14SKINNY DIPPERICE JIGSGLOW SIZE 10 HOOKHAND MADE US $12.49
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 100 Painted 1 4oz Shad Dart Ice Fishing Panfish Shad US $28.49
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 Vertical Fishing Jigs Braid Products US $34.99
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 2 New Assorted Tsunami Super Holographic Cork Lures 1B US $.99
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| Computer Experts |
Is this a good sentence to start my story with?
The first one is someone else's revision of a sentence I made. The second one is mine.
Sister Elizabeth lay slumped in her seat, beads of sweat trickling down her face as quickly as the stagecoach she resided on rushed through the heat of the summer.
or
Sister Elizabeth sat slumped in her seat, the beads of sweat on her brow glistening from the intense glow of passing sunlight which darted through the stagecoach window.
I actually see problems with both.
"Sister Elizabeth lay slumped in her seat, beads of sweat trickling down her face as quickly as the stagecoach she resided on rushed through the heat of the summer."
The beginning of the sentence was fine; however, when we reach this section "as quickly as the stagecoach she resided on rushed through the heat of the summer" it loses clarity. The use of the word "resided" is generally followed by the definition of "to dwell permanently or for a considerable time: She resides at 15 Maple Street." So, it sounds as if this woman is living in this stagecoach.
This sentence is also repetitive.
"Sister Elizabeth lay slumped in her seat" <---- Here we learn she is sitting; stationary.
"the stagecoach she resided on" <---- Again we are informed she is stationary.
This sentence would sound a little better if edited like so: "Sister Elizabeth lay slumped in her seat, beads of sweat trickling down her face with the speed of the stagecoach which rushed through the heat of the summer."
Even then it still sounds a little bland on account of the structure.
This second sentence: "Sister Elizabeth sat slumped in her seat, the beads of sweat on her brow glistening from the intense glow of passing sunlight which darted through the stagecoach window."
The first part was fine, like the first sentence, until we read further. I see repetition.
"the beads of sweat on her brow glistening" <--- Okay, her sweat is reflecting light,
"from the intense glow" <--- Alright? We know her sweat was reflecting light, obviously by coming in contact with another source of light.
"of passing sunlight" <--- So, this is the source of light.
See here, you gave us THREE references to light which overwhelmed the sentence. Try narrowing it down like so: "Sister Elizabeth sat slumped in her seat, the beads of sweat on her brow glistening in the passing sunlight which darted through the stagecoach window."
Now, if you use the edited version(or something similar) of sentence two, it would be fine.
